It's some day in September, I got to know him. I saw something different in him yet I didn't know what was that. Day by day has passed, the uniqueness in him was getting stronger, and surprisingly, I got attached by it.
We talked, we laughed, we spent most of our time together, and the day has come.
He told me he loved me. What an idyllic decision it was to tell me he loved me when I was looking for something different from him.
I told him I loved him too.
That was the most beautiful time of my life. Yes I loved him. His glancing at me made me fall for him even more and more, and it just dawned on me that this something different from him is that he is the one. He said that this is the second time he fall in love with a girl. He said,
"stay with me.. 'cause you're all I need.. to cure all these ordeal of mine."
That would never be gone from my memory. It is locked, neatly, firmly, in my head, and the key is only to be amnesia. It is almost impossible to not remember to it.
I fall in love with him everyday. Not a day passed without i'm missing him. It's still feel like the first time we met, no changes.
In my thought, he is a universe full of secret. Nobody knows him unless he told them himself.
He showed me many things about him. His flaws, his weakness, his perfection, his kindness, his anger, his sadness, his problem, and most of all, his love. He showed me his love like, everyday we met. He made me feel like I am the only girl in the world. His love is so perfect, beautiful, fancy, and anything that describes lovely. No matter how horrible the place we are in, as long as I am with him, i'll always feel home, feel safe, feel charm, for he is my happiness.
It's February. Five months we've been together.
I, honestly don't know what to write. He has changed. I lost him, no it's not that we broke up, yet. We're still together but he is really different. Like the first time I met him, I felt something different from him. And now he is really gone. I don't know what happened. He is right there in front me but I see someone else. I have no idea of who is that guy standing in front of me. I'm so haunted by this stupid little thing, i'm afraid I did something wrong, something that is hurting him but he won't tell me anything.
We did our fights.
and since that day, I swear he is gone. I don't know who is he. And unfortunately, I missed him like hell. I missed him so bad i can't even breathe well. My heart hurts real hard, it feels like there is something binding my heart, pushing my tummy until I felt surges of vomit rising from my tummy, i'm getting sick. I won't put anything into my mouth.
Remembering all the memories with him makes it even worse yet i can't resist for he is my home now.
Everynight before sleep, we always after eachother those i love yous message.
I always said I will love him no matter what. And when I said no matter what, it is really no matter what, I mean it. I said I love you from the very bottom of my heart, and it's the purest love I could ever give to a guy. Even if he breaks my heart into pieces, he is still the number one thought in my mind, he still wins my heart. I said no matter what. And no matter how hard things might happen, he is still my one and only.
One night, I couldn't even close my eyes for it's really hurt thinking about his change, I won't think about it but my heart couldn't resist for I missed him like hell that night. It's really hard to breathe, it's like you're drowning, it's like you're trying to breathe in the water, it's hurt. Pray is the only thing I could do. It's hurt. I swear to god it's hurt. He made me feel so special yesterday and left me unwanted today. How ironic. I still love him no matter what.
This is killing me so much, he is right here, but I still lose him. I wish he won't be my beautiful mistake. Although being like this is the most exquisite form of self destruction. I still say it is an exquisite form, because I choose it. I would kick him out of my life, if I could. Yes baby I couldn't.
He shouldn't picked me up when I was his favorite flower so that I could still find a way to survive when he left me. But the other part of me is telling me that this is all my fault. My fault for making him as my priority. My fault for not sincerely loving him, I mean, I still expect him to love me, care for me, as much as I do to him.
I need to get over this. But how?
When he is my happiness, and his arms are my home. I will always want my home back, no matter how far I go, the first thought before sleeping, the first thought after waking up in the morning, for me, is still my home. He is my home. I missed my home. This hurts like hell but it doesn't matter, I said that I will love him no matter what, and I really mean it. It's real. I've never been this hurt before. I've never loved a guy this much before. I can't imagine how do I live my life everyday, guess what. we are a classmate. that's more than terrible. Please, I missed my home. this pain is killing me I swear. i need a healer. i need my home. everyone needs to be home.
I know I deserve to be happy, I know I have to respect my self. Let's just pray that everything's gonna be alright.
